I really like the show “DDD”, otherwise known as “Diners Drive-In’s and Dives”. Today, I had my own episode of “DDD” called “A Damn Dozen Doughnuts”.
Going into this race, I was way more concerned about the dozen doughnuts I had to eat than the 4.8 miles I had to run. Turns out, I’m left with a matching impression - the real challenge was eating the doughnuts.
Being that this was the 1st Annual KKD in Charlotte, I’ll give them a free pass on the extreme slowness of the check in table and the 10 minute race delay because the police weren’t in their intersections yet. After being involved with the Literacy Race and knowing what it’s like to get an event up and going, I can sympathize with them. That being said, I didn’t get very much time to warm-up until Tim announced the race would be delayed 10 minutes. That gave me a little more time to get my old legs loose and I walked up to the start just about to break a small sweat. A minute or two goes by and Tim starts the race.
I felt fairly well this morning and a actually a little energetic even though I ate a very light dinner and no breakfast, so my stomach would be empty for the dirty dozen. I started out a little too fast and eased it back a bit so I wouldn’t be dog tired and winded while trying to choke down the doughnuts, but even then I managed 7:22 and 7:36 for the first two miles on a hilly course. As I watched these click by, I had thoughts where I wished it was a 5k race because after 2 miles and not going all out, I felt like I could have torched my 5k PR with a 7:00 per mile average. I’m trying very hard to resist the temptation of finding a 5k to run in the next few weeks, but I’ll hold off and really knock the shit out of my PR in the late summer or fall.
With 2 miles under my belt, I approached the 2.3 mile mark and the dreaded doughnut station. They have spotters that are looking at your wristband, seeing if you are a competitive or casual participant with a big table of doughnuts and glasses of water behind them. They give you your portion, you run under a “Competitor” banner, and you find a place to swine and dine on your fat fried bloat rings.
Here’s where the rookies like me and the real strategists who were out to win this thing got separated form each other. No sooner than I found a spot to eat and got my first doughnut down, a girl slaughtered her 12 and is taking off. DAMN!!!!! That bitch be eating the shit out of some doughnuts! About a minute later, an older dude who is in phenomenal condition is done and breaks the hell out as well. They would finish 1 and 2 with the dude catching the doughnut queen and winning.
Where I made my mistake (not that I had a fucking chance) was trying to eat the whole dozen as if I just had one to eat. This takes a long time and that long time for me was about 14 minutes. Every other doughnut, I would take a small drink of water to wash it down. It got progressively difficult to eat each one and the last two were tough to get down. Through the awful experience, I remembered how the mind can overcome matter during running - by getting lost in the experience. I used the same approach when downing the doughnuts by walking in small circles and not focusing on how many were left.
As I am finishing my fat 2280 calories of fat rings, I notice so many people that are done and gone. Via Karen, I understand that the people who are knocking them out in short time were smashing them way down into pancakes and it was making them much easier to eat. Having known that technique ahead of time, I could have trimmed off significant time from my overall finish, but after this experience, I don’t give a damn about how fast I can eat another dozen. This was my first and last experience with eating a dozen doughnuts in one sitting! It’s now 6:40pm and I haven’t had another thing to eat because of the doughnut backlog in my gut. I WANT TO TAKE A SHIT!!!!!!
Speaking of that, I wonder what a “Dozen Doughnut Dump” looks like. Don’t worry, I won’t post any pictures! Maybe…….
I personally didn’t see anyone puking and I’m happy for that because I would have joined in on the fun. Plenty of people hurled (one is plenty but there were more) but I didn’t get to see it and that’s one highlight of this race!
As for Jody and Kohl, they wussed out big time. When I was 13, I could have eat 2 dozen doughnuts and not bat an eyelash. Don’t come to me saying that I couldn’t do that either because I frequently challenged my twin uncles to eating contests and actually took a couple of titles back in the day. I’ll have to blog about that sometime, but think along the terms of entire gallon of milk or whole loaf of bread and you’ll catch my drift. My man Kohl consumed a whopping 3 doughnuts before giving up and finishing the race. Jody managed a career best 10 before giving up and finishing. I refuse to let that die and they will hear about being handed “Doughnut Destruction” at the hands of this mofo for a long time!
Side note: Being proud of the above statement is fucking ridiculous.
So, after finishing my dozen I become extremely curious about the rest of the race and how I’ll keep the doughnuts in my pot belly. I take off semi fast (for me) and see how that feels. I realize that the full belly is going to restrict me from moving with any sort of grace (not that I’m capable) so I ratchet it down to 8:00 and monitor how my gut full of fat feels. After about a half mile of this, I realize that I’ll be okay and hurling won’t happen (YAY!). I do notice my legs feeling icky and rubbery from not having breakfast but I’m hoping that the doughnuts are a fast acting fuel source. I pass several non-competitive walkers that can’t believe people have consumed a dozen doughnuts and are able to run afterwards. I actually got off on that a little bit and had a self chuckle about it.
I’m maintaining fairly well and not getting passed by anyone as I reach the last turns. I know from my Garmin that I’m getting close and when I turn the corner, BAM! what a freaking hill! It wasn’t that far but the grade was a bitch, so I said “piss on this” and walked until just before it crested. Once I got near the top, I kicked it a little to pick up the lost seconds but I’m still being dragged down by my gastric boat anchor. As I run down the hill, I see Karen and Jakob and I know that I’m almost done. I make two turns and I’m back at the start/finish…..hell yes! the Garmin says 49:50 but since I started it a few seconds late, I figure I’m really close to 50 for an official time - it was 50:06.
I walk back to the car, get my phone, and start texting my results. Brent calls me and while I am talking to him, I see Jody. I yell at Jody that Brent is on the phone and he yells as he’s running by “I’m a wuss Brent, I only ate 10”. I laugh hysterically since this is the first I hear of this. A few minutes later, Kohl comes by and Jakob is happy to tell me that his brother only ate 3 doughnuts. I think Jakob wanted to show his brother who the real doughnut assassin of the family was!
I’ll have to say that despite a relatively low turnout, it was fun and well run for an innagural event. For me, this is a once and done even though I think I could have performed much better with some eating technique and knowing what I was getting into ahead of time. Maybe I could trim 7 or so minutes off but I’ll probably never know.
Damn Dozen Doughnuts